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Old Man Yells At Clouds (again)

September 14, 2012

Well, once again I find myself turning into that damn Angry Old Fart, shaking my fists and screaming at clouds on account of “everybody ruining everything.” Just when you thought you’ve heard it all concerning remakes a friend of mine heps me to this: Texas Chainsaw 3D. Apparently a sequel/remake/wash-up of the prequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – The Beginning ’cause, what, it’s been six years so you’d understand why the studios wanna revisit this franchise. Gah! And if that wasn’t enough how about The Killer Klowns – the Sequel? It’s yet another example of what happens when stupid people gather within the confines of a conference room and decides to squelch whatever’s left of Tinseltown’s creativity. Remember Jason X? That damn thing just reeked of comittee meetings:
– We need to revamp this franchise.
– I was just thinking that!
– Umm…what about…Jason…uh, in Space? They’re still running the Alien series somewhat successfully.
– I was just thinking that!
– Well I love it!
And – brace yourself – rumor has it that Lionsgate Films secured the rights to the franchise from New Line Cinema and are planning a total of seven films. Now if that doesn’t make you feel like you’re trying to find your way out of a pitch-black cellar with its floor covered with rakes I don’t know what will.

Now, even though I really hate to admit it I can on a strict economical level understand that if you aquire the rights for a movie that you want to make the most of it in order to maximise the profits from your deal. That’s Capitalism 101. But that used to mean heavy merchandising, saturating the rental market or just selling various editions of it on DVD – not remake the damn thing every second year. I mean c’mon, are you really that out of ideas? Did the pioneering spirit that gave Hollywood its name die out so all that’s left are coked-out accountants that go “I love lamp” while trying to wrap their heads around the latest Lynch script? Big-name producers apparently died off and a stampede of marketers followed, moving in with what I call a “McDonald’s attitude” (“hey, we heard you liked cheeseburgers so howsabout a billion of ’em?“) killing off what little was left of the mainstream industry’s creativity, spirit and originality. Remember such 70s classics like The Exorcist, The Taking of Pelham 123, Get Carter, The French Connection? Not gonna happen anymore. Until the bottom falls out like it did towards the end of the 60s forcing the major studios to put on their thinking caps in order to save themselves.

There’s hope though. Just spend an hour or two on Kickstarter or Indiegogo and you’ll find tons of bright, creative people offering something truly fresh to share with the world. If the average consumer decides to support them with, say $50 a month you’ll give these people a chance to hone their art and with a bit of luck we’ll have a decent, independent film industry within a decade.

Oh well. The weekend’s coming up and I think I’m gonna revisit The Amityville Horror and Escape From New York (the 2003 special edition DVD collector’s set is nothing short of amazing when it comes to bonus material!). Make sure you check out Catie Rhodesgreat comparison of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and the 2003 remake here, and enjoy DEADPIT Radio‘s September 7th episode where they discuss the 3D version. Keep in mind there’s heavy usage of the F-word:

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